According to a CNN.com article posted earlier today, over the past 5+ years, some 40 college-aged males have been found dead in various bodies of water from the Midwest to the East Coast after being physically and psychologically tortured and eventually murdered by a group of serial killers that CNN is calling the "Smiley Face Killers" (the name "Smiley Face Killers" derives from the often-present symbol of a smiley face that has been found at a dozen different crime scenes). Evidently, the typical makeup of each victim includes the following: male, early 20's, athletic or popular, smart, and typically drunk. In other words, everybody who writes on this blog is in grave danger, especially considering our good looks. Beware, fellas.The fucked up thing about this whole story is that the majority of the information has been provided by two retired police officers that are working the case independently and have subsequently seen little cooperation from local and federal authorities. In fact, according to Minneapolis police (Uh hum, Spo!) many of these deaths have been classified as "accidental". And even more unsettling, the FBI released the following statement:
"To date, we have not developed any evidence to support links between these tragic deaths or any evidence substantiating the theory that these deaths are the work of a serial killer or killers. The vast majority of these instances appear to be alcohol-related drowning."
There are fucking smiley faces at the scene of every crime! How can they not be linked? Does the FBI actually think that every time a college student drowns an evil smiley face painting magically appears on a tree down by the river?
FBI Agent Douchet: "Gee, Agent Dodo, there's another smiley face with horns. That's odd!"
FBI Agent DoDo: "Stay focused, Douchet! We're looking for homicide clues, not graffiti vandals!"
I don't know about you guys, but I get drunk a lot. I mean blackout drunk. And, best my memory serves, in my dazed and confused history of drinking I have never "accidently" fallen into a large body of water like the Mississippi River.
God help us...or should I say Joel Osteen?
