Scene – a naked young man sits on a metal folding chair. Both hands are submerged in two separate bowls of milk. His genitalia are submerged in a larger bowl of milk that sits on his lap. The young man is furiously squirming in pain, as if his entire body had burst into flames. It is unclear at first to whom he is talking…
Young Man: {various obscenities, praises and condemnations of Jesus, beggary for a merciful and instant death, vocal hatred at inanimate objects and other cries of a man in agony}
little Thomas Jefferson: Calm yourself my fellow patriot! Demonstrate your manhood through moderation, dexterity and prudence.
YM: Fuck you Thomas.
TJ: I feel the burning sensation…
YM: The burning sensation? It feels as if my hands are melting slowly and you have been torched after someone applied a vice grips to my nuts. Burning sensation? Ladies and gentlemen, Thomas Jefferson, master of the obvious! Your profound wisdom has obviously been greatly belittled by history!
TJ: Hey now, this sarcasm is unbecoming of you. I wrote the Declaration of Independence. YOU chopped six habenaro peppers without gloves and then decided to use the bathroom.
YM: the burning! It is unbearable.
TJ: The burning is but a mild affliction. I would gladly live in an eternity twenty times hotter than live out my pathetic existence as a seldom used appendage to a weak man.
YM: And I would gladly trade your pretentious presence for a likeness of George Washington or someone of a much greater stature.
TJ: A few more inches to your visage would do little to mask your lack of debonair and cunning with women.
YM: You don’t deserve the involuntarily celibacy I give you! You deserve a much more dedicated form of celibacy.
TJ: Involuntary, you say. An interesting way of putting it…
YM: A way your slaves may have put it after you raped them you despotic bastard!
TJ: Ah, yes. History may have judged me harshly after 200 years. But I wonder how history will judge a stupid man who at twenty six finds himself alone, with his hands and genitals soaking in milk and talking at his lap?
YM: Thomas Jefferson, you little shit!
{young man takes hands out of bowls of milk and proceeds to furiously drown his own genitalia in the bowl on his lap. This action is not meant to be masturbation, there is nothing pleasurable in this scene -the young man has a true burning hatred towards little Thomas.}
TJ:{gurgle, gurgle} When did this milk expire? {gurgle, gurgle} You’re drowning me in rancid milk! {gurgle, gurgle}
{young man is spent. Puts his hands back into the smaller bowls of milk. Little Thomas slowly rises to the surface}
YM: Thomas? Mr. Jefferson? I’m sorry. I should have checked the expiration date on the milk. In fact it’s making me sick. You always were my favorite president. It’s just the rash from the peppers talking… After all of this we can watch some porn.
TJ: Really?
YM: Yeah, whatever you want.
TJ: Great, let’s watch Yank My Doddle, It’s A Dandy.
-based on a real story
